this is heavy

Real-time meltdowns: World Cup edition

Get this, people: I like football. I know, crazy, right? Well, you’ll be surprised to know that many of my friends share this sentiment.

One of these friends, a not-so-happy soul we’ll refer to in this space as Fan, had himself a merry little meltdown during last week’s draw for the 2014 FIFA World Cup. So incensed was Fan that he unleashed a torrent of emails to me – and assorted brethren – denouncing Sepp Blatter & Co. in the most viciously entertaining fashion. Taste it, Sepp.

Enough with the backstory then. Without any further ado, I present to you the email chain in all of its unabashed splendor. The vitriol is strong with this one.

6 Dec. 2013, 10:33 a.m.

God! They’ve got us dead on. I love the “one hairy hippy” observation. So true; Beckerman the last USMNT Trustafarian.

6 Dec. 2013, 11:12 a.m.

I am a believer in Jurgen-ball. If we can somehow get into a weak group, I think we could build some steam. Caution out the window, pre-draw wishful thinking! Come on, semis!

6 Dec. 2013, high noon

Brazil, Spain, Argentina, and Germany all spaced to avoid each other until the semis. Good fortune for the neutral? No. Rigged. Rigged, I tell you!

6 Dec. 2013, 12:03 p.m.

And Uruguay gets the leftover unseeded European team, also known as… Italy. Coincidence? Doesn’t Brazil still nurse wounds from the Uruguayans beating them the last time they hosted? Rigged. Rigged, I tell you!

6 Dec. 2013, 12:11 p.m.

Jesus Christ. Must we always play Ghana? Oh, and Germany in there, too. Wow. Hey, FIFA, why not just throw France in there?

6 Dec. 2013, 12:13 p.m.

And Spain gets a group of death…along with Chile, another country with tension toward Brazil. Rigged!!!

6 Dec. 2013, 12:21 p.m.

With the exception of Argentina’s nice group, this whole thing stinks to high heaven. Maybe that’s FIFA’s cover – how could they possible accuse us if the hated Albiceleste got a nice group? Maybe they’re banking on Argentina blowing it at some point…per usual.

    • Spain and Germany, serious contenders? Tough groups.
    • Uruguay and Chile, hated neighbors? Tough groups.

We need to get points in the first game. The World Cups are giving me a growing hatred of Ghana!

So angry. So great.